Separation

What is a preschool?

Any day care of school setting, where young children learn & play in a warm, safe & caring atmosphere. This environment is directed by professionally trained & caring adults with whom a child can develop close connections & who treat him/her with respect and affection. This is a little booklet written by Lorraine Landsberg, Director of The Holloway Preschool to help parents & children entering preschool. Reading & following this information can insure both you & your child a terrific nursery school experience that can only lead to love of learning & communicating with others. And an emotionally safe feeling wherever he or she might be without you. It can be a passage to his or her autonomy.

Separation

The car door opens. Out steps Mom & Sarah. Mom is all excited about having free time, to go back to work, exercise, meet a friend for lunch or just to have sometime alone. Sarah is eagerly anticipating the new children & the teacher’s fun activities. They enter the brightly decorated preschool. Embracing, they bid each other a warm goodbye go their separate ways. REALITY? Hardly. Most likely Mom & Sarah approach this change in their relationship with a variety of mixed emotions,… Sarah cries. Mom is in great conflict, torn & unsure. Certainly in the real world, separation will mean something different for everyone. Separation is a natural, though often difficult, process that continues throughout our lives. The emotions between parents & children are intense. Learning to trust, love & even to separate, are all part of growing up. Children can learn to detach from their loved ones without pain, & to rejoin them with joy. Preschool can be a good place to sample this first taste of independence. Now that you have decided to place your child in preschool, what will the separation mean for you & your child? is it possible to ease the transition? And, in spite of the fact that time may have passed since your child first started preschool, what can you do if feelings of guilty & anxiety continue to bother you?

Parental conflicts around separation

What are some of the differences between leaving a preschooler and leaving an infant in daycare?

Infants are attached to Mom. Mom is a part of them, & when Mom is away, the baby misses her. For many moms, the attachment is so strong, that to leave a baby can bring a feeling of incredible loss. With a 2 year old, however, a natural separation is going on anyway. The temper tantrums & the unending NOs are all part of saying, “I am different & separate from you.” It is a natural time to encourage the separation process. You see that your child can get along without you & has his/her own resources to comfort themselves. If the encouragement to get nurturing from others has been there along with the encouragement to nurture him/herself, this child can then accept the caregivers (teachers) more easily.

Often feelings of guilt & anxiety accompany separating from our children. Are these feelings normal?

We all have those feelings. When we wrestle with conflicts, we often feel guilty. We are sitting on the fence with our feelings. We ask ourselves, is this fight for my child? Is this fight for me? This conflict is normal & natural. It is important to have these feelings. Just as your child is separating, so are you. It is helpful to consider other separations. How did I do it? What did I experience? What can I anticipate? How will I react? what about my child? He/she may sleep more, may wake up during the night, may show it behaviorally, such as being more active, even hyper. Your child is going to show, in some way, that you are missed.

Do these feelings linger or change or are they naturally resolved over time?

These emotions naturally change. As you experience your child more in the world on his/her own, you become freer to say goodbye cheerfully knowing they can hardly whatever happens during the day. You really empower them & encourage their growth. Normal feelings of separation are healthy. Through them, we notice the growth in our children. We see how we miss them but also that they do fine without them. Yet, if someone has an extreme amount of guilt & anxiety, it may be a protective mechanism that is keeping more uncomfortable feelings away (such as anger, loss, sadness, inadequacy etc.) For many parents, separating from a child feels like abandonment. This could come from the parent’s experience of separation, but it doesn’t mean the child necessarily experiences those same feelings. The natural process of separation brings out lots of emotion. It can help if you recognize your own feelings.

What can you do if the feeling persists?

Sharing your concerns & feelings with the Director of your child’s school. Consider some outside help i.e. a parent’s group, private therapy. If parents continually have trouble separating from their child, then everyone may in fact have difficulty. Children are often barometers of our emotional status. So if these feelings linger, it is important to get support. We all want our children to grow up in the most happy & healthy way possible. Our children can give us the opportunity to look at & examine our feelings to grow, change, & learn. It is not always easy but it can be done!! And, finally, IT FEELS GOOD TOO!!!

Easing the transition

Timing is not everything, but it can have a significant effect on your child’s entry into preschool & easing the separation process. Here are some helpful insights: A new baby is a convenient time for you to start an older child in preschool, but it may be hard on your preschool aged child. Arranging to place your child well before or after your new baby may benefit everyone. Death, divorce, or separations are times a child may need to be near his/her loved ones. Time may be needed before a child can comfortably separate. Make sure your Director has any information (physical illness of limitations, emotional or behavioral concerns) that will enable her to better understand & help your child on the “BIG DAY” gently remind your child what he/she can expect. Focus on positive things that happened on the first visit to school, i.e. “you are going to play with playdough, or paint, maybe go on swings.” Transitional objects, such as a blanket, or your child’s favorite stuffed animal, can create a bridge between home & school. It will remind your child that he can comfort him/herself. These objects need to be made available to the child just starting preschool. YOU’VE ARRIVED!! Now is the time to help your child adjust to his/her new environment. The transition period can take a few days or weeks, depending on your schedule, the needs of your child, & the recommendations of your preschool. Not every parent can arrange their schedule, & may feel guilty being unable to follow their Director’s suggestions. Try to be creative, maybe Dad, Grandma, or a Nanny can help out. The important thing is to have a familiar adult available to your child. WHAT IF YOU’VE DONE YOUR TRANSITION TIME, YET YOU FEEL YOUR CHILD STILL NEEDS YOUR PRESENCE? This is a common situation. Communicate with your Director. has enough time passed for your child to adjust to the new environment? How will she make your child comfortable after you leave? Is it often difficult for your child to adopt to a new routine? You may choose to leave or stay depending on the advice of the Director & your intuition as a parent. Does your child continue to complain as you go? It is very important to remember that a clearly expressed protest is a healthy sign. Your child loves you & your bond is strong. Acknowledge your child’s behavior, with your leaving. Then, if you’ve given attention to this initial phase of separating, you are comfortable with the quality of care your child is receiving, & you ALWAYS remember to say goodbye & tell your child where you are going & when you are coming back, i.e. “after snack, when you are in the backyard, ect. “This helps lessen your child’s anxiety. With all this emotional hard work done you can rest assure that your child will most likely settle in once you are gone.